Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
