Pants 0. Shit 1.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
