By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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