How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
