I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
