I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
