you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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