Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
