Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
