listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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