He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
