We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
