I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
