Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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