Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
