I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
