I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
