What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
