Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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