hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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