two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
