I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you will always have a special place in my vag
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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