Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
