You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
