u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
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Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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