ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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