When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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