I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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