Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
