I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.