i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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