I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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