Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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