i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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