I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
