If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
