The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
