the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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