Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
