I think im going to throw up on grandma
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.