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meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
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