So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
