yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
