Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
