You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize