My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
