Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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