I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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