Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
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I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn