I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
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My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
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Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"