o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
