The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
