I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
