My friends, they love my intelligence
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
