I just pynch a tree in the face
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
