Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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