I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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