He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
