I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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