Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sorry my hands just texted you
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
