im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
