We're facebook friends in real life
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
