I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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