I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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